The essence and outcome of marriage are defined by you.

Once upon a time, marriage and family were synonymous with happiness, as if finding someone willing to hold hands with you and walk into this hall together could destined a happy ending for the rest of your life.

Until now, more and more people have begun to question this conclusion.
In this era where divorce rates continue to rise, there are still people who yearn for a marriage that is mutually enjoyable, but there are also those who begin to reflect and raise questions: what is the essence of marriage? What will be the outcome of marriage?
Today, I will talk about this issue in detail.
The essence of marriage is the cooperation between husband and wife, which is not only the sharing of material benefits and risks, but also the mutual support, love, and trust on the emotional level.
As for the outcome of marriage, it depends on how you understand and practice this essence in your life.
At the same time, the premise of understanding the essence of marriage is to accurately define the term "marriage": does the term "marriage" in your mouth refer to the legal definition of marriage system, or the idealized marriage that exists in moral concepts?
The marriage system can only guarantee the material lower limit of marital life, and only by understanding the latter can couples truly expand the emotional upper limit of marriage.
The marriage system has low standards, while the ideal of marriage has high standards.
If your understanding of the definition of marriage is misplaced or confused from the beginning, then there will be no further discussion in the future.
Why should I strictly distinguish between marriage system and marriage ideals?
Because the two are completely different in terms of content and entry barriers, obtaining the guarantee of the former does not necessarily guarantee the happiness promised by the latter.
However, most people often confuse the two due to misunderstandings, resulting in various troubles and confusions, and even defamation of marriage itself.
So before explaining the essence of marriage, I need to first clarify the differences between the marriage system and the ideal of marriage.
01 Marriage System and Marriage Ideal
Let's first talk about the marriage system.
The marriage system defined by law is more accurately the system of joint property between spouses. The commonality of life is linked through property as a family economic bond, and the protection of rights among family members is determined through legal norms to achieve fair redistribution of interests and construct ethical relationships in law.
Simply put, the marriage system is aimed at tangible things.
For example, after marriage, if both husband and wife share the same income, your partner should split half of the money you earn, and vice versa; Pre marital personal property that has not been confused still belongs to the individual, and neither the house nor the dowry will be split in half due to marriage; When sick, one must pay to fulfill the obligation of assistance. If a partner dies, they have inheritance rights. If they have children, they must fulfill the obligation of raising them. Even if they divorce, they must pay child support; Neither spouse can conceal or transfer joint property
After all, the word 'money' is indispensable.
When it comes to material possessions, no one can be more materialistic than the institution of marriage.
Yes, the marriage system cannot promise you that your partner will not cheat, will always love you, and will always be good to you.
The legal system is based on pragmatism and can only guarantee the practical aspects: partners should not abuse you, marital property transferred to a third party can be recovered, partners cannot remarry, cohabit in the name of husband and wife, and so on.
As for the other parts, the law is powerless to assist.
Are you saying that having ambiguous communication with colleagues of the opposite sex is a mental infidelity?
Sorry, this does not meet the legal definition of fault. Even if there is concrete evidence of fault, judges may not make a compensation ruling in practice.
Even if the judge decides to compensate, at most material compensation can be used, and no one can compensate you for love.
Do you think that after many years of marriage, you and your partner have grown tired of each other and no longer have the passion of the past?
Never mind, this probably doesn't meet the legal standard for emotional breakdown. It's more common for couples like you to just make do with life!
The loyalty, thoughtfulness, concern, intimacy, love that you desire are not governed by the marriage system, but rather the dreams shaped by the ideal of marriage.
Idealized marriage is a concept instilled in people by social culture. Marriage ideals tell us that couples should provide various substantive and emotional support, love and respect each other, support each other, grow together, and walk the long road of life hand in hand.
Contrary to the marriage system, what the ideal of marriage depicts and promises to us are all intangible parts: emotions and intimacy, romance and love.
I dare say that the vast majority of people aspire to ideals rather than institutions when they dream of marriage.
After all, it's not very interesting to find a stranger to share your money with, but if you imagine having a soulmate who truly loves you, understands you, and is willing to accompany you through life's lows, the attraction of marriage is much greater.
Although both the marriage system and the marriage ideal contain the word 'marriage', the differences in their connotations are significant. Some people even dislike the former but want the latter.
If we confuse the two again, marry with low standards, demand partners with high standards, and still take it for granted, then the problem will be big.
The entry threshold for the marriage system is low. As long as two people, one male and one female, are over the legal marriage age and have full civil capacity, the law allows them to enter into marriage.
The marriage system doesn't care whether you love each other or not, whether you have a mature understanding of intimate relationships, and whether you can go on for a long time in the future
When you want to divorce in the future, come back to me at the Civil Affairs Bureau to handle it!
The threshold for achieving the ideal marriage is high, requiring both husband and wife to have mature personalities, a sense of responsibility, a unified goal, and constantly invest energy to adjust and improve the marital relationship. As time passes, they gradually accumulate trust and tacit understanding towards each other.
Most couples do not have a thorough understanding of their relationship before entering into an institutional marriage.
They just assume that as long as they register for marriage, they will naturally have everything they desire.
When they realize they can't get it, they believe that their ideal marriage is just a lie, blaming marriage for deceiving them and binding themselves in a besieged city.
It's like when you hear about a beautiful scenic spot called a famous mountain, spend money to buy tickets, and the staff let you in, but you don't want to climb the mountain at all. As soon as you sit on the ground, you start to curse that the promotion of the scenic spot is a scam. Where can you find the scenery at the top of a mountain on flat ground?
The ticket checkpoint at the bottom of the mountain is a marriage system, and the beautiful scenery of the mountain peak is the ideal for marriage.
Buying tickets guarantees your right to climb the mountain, but the beauty of the mountaintop requires you to put in real hard work, step by step, step by step, sweat.
In reality, there are cable cars for mountain climbing, but there are no shortcuts to a happy marriage in life.
02 Limitations of Marriage System
Since there is such a big difference between the marriage system and the ideal of marriage, should we mix them together, use the system to forcibly restrain them, and turn the ideal into reality?
People often ask, why can't the law stipulate imprisonment for infidelity? Why do I count hitting a third party as a crime of injury when they are not subject to legal sanctions?
Can you guarantee me a happy ending as soon as I register for marriage?
This way of thinking overestimates the binding force of the marriage system on human nature and underestimates the difficulty of implementing it from rules to execution.
Let's not discuss whether the system should extend to private affairs, just why the marriage system cannot regulate people's infidelity and marital discord?
The answer is simple: I can't control it, I can't control it!
Standard private and variable
Not to mention what standards should be used to judge the weakening of the relationship between husband and wife, it is probably difficult to find a unified standard for infidelity alone.
At first glance, infidelity is easy to judge. As long as there is a third party involved in the relationship, it's considered infidelity!
But when you look at the reality, you will find that infidelity alone is constantly changing:
In the feudal era, only women were considered to have extramarital affairs, while men were not. The law granted them the qualification of having three wives and four concubines;
After gender equality, at the beginning, only physical infidelity was considered, and substantial evidence of adultery was needed to prove it;
The new era has arrived, and with the addition of spiritual infidelity, it is not acceptable for both men and women to have ghosts in their hearts;
New technology has arrived, making it easy to connect even when separated by thousands of miles. Giving tips to opposite sex anchors may be seen as cheating by some people, while others may see it as just ordinary entertainment;
What constitutes infidelity? Which step is considered cheating? No one can provide a unified standard of judgment, we can only go our separate ways.
the law does not punish numerous offenders
Even if one judges whether a couple has fulfilled their obligations of loyalty, friendship, etc. based on their own recognition, if the judgment is really enforced, the entire society will immediately be paralyzed.
There are too many people who enter into marriage through the marriage system, and too few who achieve their ideal marriage.
Marriage is a system designed for the stable operation of society, and it is impossible to disrupt social stability in order to maintain an ideal state.
So, disputes over marriage ideals are destined to remain in the private domain and can only be handled by ourselves. We cannot expect any "big parent" to file a complaint or mediate for you.
Only by understanding why the marriage system cannot guarantee ideals can you recognize the responsibilities you bear.
Yes, on the road to your ideal marriage, there will be no external force to help you overcome obstacles, and every step needs to be taken by yourself.
How to achieve the ideal of marriage in 03?
The marriage system certainly has its limitations, but it is also the foundation for achieving the ideal of marriage.
To enter the marriage system cautiously and put in effort to practice your marriage ideals, you need to start from multiple aspects to enhance your understanding of marriage and make your ideals come true.
If you need guidance, I have summarized several common points from handling cases for your reference:
① Romantic love cannot solve everything
Marriage without love may be impossible, but love is not omnipotent.
The internet slang says that love generates electricity. If love can really generate electricity, that would be great.
But the reality is that love not only cannot generate electricity, but also cannot automatically clean the house. Love cannot make you three dishes and one soup after you finish work, and love cannot let your children grow up without needing someone to take care of them when they see the wind
Love may disappear with time, but the trivial things in life will not. As long as you are alive, you have to face eating, drinking, defecating, and dealing with daily necessities.
Many people believe that as long as they are in love with each other, they can solve all problems, so they ignore the huge differences in values, ideological cognition, life orientation, and other aspects between the two. It is not until after marriage that they realize that the greater the gap between pre marriage and post marriage, the more likely it is to lead to tragedy.
② Don't expect marriage to take care of everything
It's not enough to bind marriage and love together. Many people also bundle more expectations into marriage: they want to ensure their future and grow old together; Want to heal the trauma of one's original family and escape from parental control; Want to have face in marriage, want a partner to satisfy one's vanity
If tied up like this, the marriage will naturally be overwhelmed.
Remember, marriage cannot be your savior. Perhaps marriage and a partner can bring you some benefits, but it cannot completely change your life.
The other half has no obligation to become your new 'mother', nor will they become your second father and spoil you as a daughter.
Marriage belongs to adults, not to infants.
③ Marriage is cooperation, there is no winning or losing
The true cooperation in marriage is when both husband and wife agree that the happiness of being together is higher than the simple sum of their individual happiness. This means that both parties focus on the overall interests, rather than constantly competing and thinking that the west wind will overpower the east wind.
The prerequisite for achieving this is an equal attitude between men and women. Men do not pursue to control or suppress their wives, and women do not secretly plan to conquer or control their husbands.
Both parties should fully consider each other's feelings and interests like a team, sincerely respect each other, and accept the other half.
Collaboration between spouses can create a shared sense of belonging on a spiritual level. The more common meaning there is between the two, the more stable the marital relationship becomes. Only then can this home have a stronger sense of "home" and become an eternal safe haven for both of them.
In this era full of doubt and deconstruction, many people no longer believe in the ideal of marriage and often overlook the importance of marital relationships, or believe that the outcome of marriage is only tragic.
However, it is your understanding and cognition of marriage that truly determines the outcome of your marriage.
We must always remember that an ideal marriage is never achieved overnight, let alone falling from the sky. A loving and warm marital relationship requires your hard work and sincerity to build.