Adults controlled by their parents

These days, watching a video has left people with mixed feelings.
A 30-year-old young man, who was 185 years old and studying for his PhD, suddenly passed away due to cancer.
Before leaving, people around him were shocked and felt sorry for him, but he was very happy.
Because 'I can finally be liberated'.

A has always been a well behaved child in the eyes of others since childhood. He was in the top ten of his grade in elementary school, entered a top high school, and was admitted to a 985 university. After graduation, he pursued a master's degree and a doctoral degree.
No one knows that despite appearing glamorous, he is constantly manipulated and suppressed by his parents.
When eating, it is important to control the height of chopsticks;
When buying clothes and shoes, you can only buy black, white, and gray.
Because he scored 77 in physics, his father slapped him ten times and made him kneel outside the hallway, reflecting for a day and a night.
There are many, many similar things
In order to have some breathing space at home, A constantly strives to achieve the goals set by their parents and please them.
However, what was obtained was repeated suppression and pouring cold water.
Do you think you did well in the exam? Don't you think you can do better
Only those who truly care about you will criticize you. Those who praise you are all polite and deceiving you
He also wanted to resist and communicate, but as soon as he spoke, his parents began to complain incessantly.
I work so hard every day. Who am I doing this for? Does anyone else treat you as well as me? Being a parent is not easy. When you get old, don't ignore us
Under such high pressure, every day A lives is suffocating.
As soon as I hear my parents' voices, I have a stress response, trembling all over my body, and even my heart beats faster at the thought.
After years of hard work, these painful and suppressed emotions became one straw after another that broke his body.
At the end of his life, A wrote a note to his parents, but then burned it.
Finally, I just asked the blogger to have the opportunity to convey to his parents:
Mom and Dad, you love me very much, but I really hope that you won't be my parents in the next life. I also hope that if you are still together in the next life, you won't have children anymore. I love you, I hate you
To be honest, after listening to this story, I feel both sad and happy.
It's sad that only when one lives with a lot of oppression can they feel that death is a liberation;
Fortunately, he finally gained his freedom and I hope no one over there can control him anymore.
But then it fell into helplessness and powerlessness:
Because I see many traces of 'Chinese style parents' in him.
In real life, such heart wrenching stories are not uncommon.
Most of these parents have one thing in common:
They exert their desire for control through various means, such as belittling, suppressing, preaching, mocking, or violence.
Just to hold the child firmly in one's own hands like a baby in swaddling clothes.
A mother in Chongqing went against her plan of "staying in Chongqing as a teacher" because her daughter insisted on going to university in Beijing.
So before school started, I stopped my daughter's phone and stole all her notification letters, various documents, and bank cards.
The note left by the girl's mother after stealing the admission letter
Recently, the prodigy Zhang Xinyang, who has been widely discussed on the internet.
I learned over 2000 Chinese characters at the age of 2, skipped grades continuously in elementary school, and took the college entrance examination at the age of 10.
However, the subsequent script gradually collapsed step by step.
In the words of netizens:
Their ancestral tomb has emitted green smoke several times, but it was hastily extinguished by Zhang Xinyang's parents.
The first time was when he refused his son's request to retake the college entrance examination and forcefully pushed him to a non-985 university in order to "rush to run";
The second time was against my son going abroad for further studies, insisting that he directly pursue a master's degree after his junior year;
The third time was missing the opportunity to buy a house in Beijing.
Nowadays, Zhang Xinyang has disappeared from the crowd.
Throughout these absurd events, parents often claim to love their children, but in reality, they only treat them as their own accessories or extensions of themselves.
What you cannot do on your own, let your child complete it for you;
If you are not good enough, let your child improve for you.
For example, Zhang Xinyang's father has always regretted not being able to succeed, but his son Zhang Xinyang's exceptional talent has given him hope.
So he began to passionately "train" his son, taking control and taking care of everything for him, hoping to achieve his own dreams.
There are also the parents of A at the beginning of the article.
I earn three to five thousand yuan a month, but I never make progress or study. When I go home, I just lie in bed playing with my phone and watching TV.
But they placed all the things they couldn't do on A's shoulders.
Then he cried to him, 'It's not easy for us to raise you, we live too hard.'.
They think they are well intentioned and say 'for your own good', but in reality, they are parasitic their own desires on the child.
If you can't control your own life, go control your child's life and start over yourself.
What's even sadder is that parents who hold this mentality, whether it's their life experience or perspective, are simply not enough to support educating their children.
Finally, a series of tragedies were buried without realizing it.
In the follow-up of the story, the blogger followed the last wish of friend A and called to greet his parents.
A's parents are crying very sadly, but they keep explaining that their child is too tired from studying and the pressure of scientific research is too great.
From beginning to end, they either did not face up to or were completely unaware of their mistakes.
Perhaps some people may say that A is too foolish.
He just needs to reject his parents' manipulation and moral blackmail directly.
But in fact, this is all from an outsider's perspective.
People who have been controlled by their parents for a long time find it difficult to turn this corner.
Because in their accumulated interactions, they have been unconsciously tamed by the cage established by their parents.
Be a servant of your parents, not your own master.
I once watched an interview where a interviewee openly stated that his biggest fear was going on vacation.
When it's time for vacation, his family will ask him, 'When did you get home and make what you like to eat?'.
Some people may think it's their parents' longing, but when they hear it, they only feel it's suffocating supervision.
I am almost 30 years old and have never left the province. I even work near my home, but I strongly demand to move out.
That's it. On weekdays at 9pm, I have to video chat with them, and weekends are all theirs.
Sometimes I really feel like I'm just a shell, without a soul. Maybe only when I die will they stop
But parents control more than just their children's bodies. Growing up in a strongly controlled nurturing environment, one's spirit will gradually become scarce and impoverished.
Habitually taking the blame onto oneself, constantly attacking oneself inwardly, falling into feelings of inferiority, helplessness, depression, and collapse.
Even eventually taking extreme paths to vent the emotions accumulated in one's heart.
Yang Yuanyuan, a female graduate student from Shanghai, grew up under the full control of her mother from a young age.
My mother has to intervene in what choices she makes, what jobs she finds, and what friends she makes. Even wherever she goes to school, her mother moves into her dormitory to live with her.
Yang Yuanyuan has no personal space, no time of his own, let alone a normal social life.
Under extreme pressure and pain, Yang Yuanyuan left behind a last wish of 'I want to live my own life' and committed suicide by hanging in the bathroom.
As parents, I have always wanted to shelter my children from wind and rain.
But they never thought that the moment they forcefully intervened in their children's lives, the gears of tragic fate had already begun to turn.
This tragedy, even running through time, has become a cycle of destiny that the next generation cannot escape.
I saw a post online where a netizen said she saw her daughter playing with her phone again through surveillance footage, and when she got home, she angrily threw her phone in front of her daughter.
At the moment when her phone shattered on the ground, she remembered her mother.
She also disciplined me so harshly, peeking at my diary, flipping through cabinets, and not allowing me to go out and play with friends, which led to being isolated at school... I don't like this, but I still became her
A netizen's comment is very heart wrenching:
If the relationship is not good, you can break up. If the relationship is not good, you can break up. If you don't like the work atmosphere, you can resign and change jobs... but family relationships are not enough
Especially under the emotional manipulation of parents who use phrases such as "for your own good" and "don't be ungrateful", many people fall into a sense of guilt and moral hazard of denying family ties as soon as they resist or refuse.
Even though they know it's not their fault, they are unwilling to sever ties with their parents.
It cannot be denied that most parents in life are good parents who have fulfilled their responsibilities in the traditional sense.
They just don't understand how to express love and how to empathize with children.
There are also many factors of the times that cannot be resolved.
But what Ten O'Clock wants to tell you is:
They don't have a choice, but you do.
Stay away from anyone who makes you feel uneasy and uncomfortable, even parents can stay away or have less contact with them.
Everyone can only shoulder their own growth, parents are, and so are you.
a. Pull physical distance apart
It is not actual abuse that is harmful. In reality, many immature parents lack the ability to reflect and only treat their children in a superficial, coercive, and emotionally coercive manner.
Faced with such parents, it is important to maintain a suitable physical distance and minimize intersection.
b. Refusing moral blackmail
It is our obligation to support our parents within our abilities as adults, but we should not feel guilty or self blame or punish ourselves for maintaining distance.
Parents and children are each responsible for their own growth issues, and only immature parents need their children to be tolerant of them.
c. Stand firm in your position
It must be difficult to break free from a parent-child relationship that has been under control for decades or even decades.
Even if the current incorrect aspects still affect you, please have the courage to say 'no'.
d. Improve oneself
Think more about "what I want" and "what kind of life I want", and consider yourself as an independent person.
When you are strong enough and excellent enough to far exceed their expectations, they will no longer be able to control you, and you will not feel guilty for disobedience.
Ten o'clock, you also know that achieving these things is not easy.
But you need to understand that if you are still hoping for your parents to change, then this may be the fundamental reason why you cannot escape their manipulation.
We cannot choose our own parents, but we can choose the influence that our parents have on us.
When complaining, anger, and preaching are useless, please always prioritize yourself.
Otherwise, when a person's emotions are on the brink of tension and collapse for a long time, it is really easy to get sick.
Finally, I hope all parents can understand that,
True love is respect, not control, giving, not taking.
Click on 'Watching', may every child become the master of their own life.
Have you ever experienced being controlled by your parents? Let's discuss together in the comment section. I believe you will gain warmth and strength from everyone's replies.