Whether as a couple or a lover, no matter how good the relationship is, there must be these "three no's",

I saw a question online:
What did your husband do when he had a conflict with his mother-in-law?
The netizen who asked this question just finished arguing with his mother-in-law.
This side hasn't calmed down yet, and the relationship with my husband over there has also become strained.

My husband is helping her mother to accuse me again, every time, without asking any questions
After being married for over a decade, she didn't have a good relationship with her mother-in-law.
This has also become the biggest reason for couples to argue.
Because whenever there is a conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, regardless of who is right or wrong, the husband believes that 'the wife must apologize first'.
Once the wife raises a slight objection, the husband immediately turns against her.
Every time she recalls her husband's attitude, her feelings are:
Injustice.
Many times, even though I am on the right side, I am suppressed by my mother-in-law and daughter-in-law status, and I always have to bow my head and apologize
Being reasonable ultimately became the 'filial piety' that must be obeyed.
Injustice in the husband's heart always prioritizes the "mother son relationship" over the "marital relationship".
Her wife has always been an outsider and can only stand on the sidelines, unable to have her own temper.
Her experience has resonated with many netizens, who have posted their identical husbands in the comment section.
These husbands all have a few commonalities:
When it comes to the conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, they either immediately avoid it and avoid talking about it;
Either they just pull the frame and protect their mother-in-law, and some even hit their daughter-in-law with their hands:
She's my biological mother, what did you do to her
Under the influence of these ideas, family relationships often lead to one outcome:
Mother in law and daughter-in-law are at odds, and husband and wife are at odds.
In fact, in order to maintain the family, the husband's attitude between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is particularly important.
He needs to know what he can and cannot do.
A smart husband would never do the following three things.
Suggest collecting or sharing first, and then reading carefully.
Love psychology expert Tu Lei once said:
The mother-in-law daughter-in-law relationship is a nightmare for all husbands.
This statement is true.
A mother is the one who gave birth to and raised herself in the first half of her life;
A wife is someone who decides to spend the rest of their life together,
However, these two people whom they love the most find it difficult to coexist peacefully.
Always fixated on trivial family matters, never stopping.
The war between the two sides is intense, and the husband caught in the middle is in a dilemma.
Listening to one's own mother scold one's wife and urging oneself, as a husband, to take good care of her;
After hearing his wife complain about his own mother, he urged him to quickly take action to solve the problem.
Mr. Zhou encountered this problem online.
His mother and wife have been arguing for almost half a year over whether to hire a nanny to take care of the children.
Both sides hold their own opinions.
In the wife's opinion, the mother-in-law thinks taking care of the child is too tiring, and she doesn't want to resign just to take care of the child.
Hiring a nanny is currently the most preferred option.
But the mother-in-law has always held opposing views, firmly believing that the daughter-in-law should give up her job for the sake of the family.
This is a waste of money. Your monthly salary is not enough to hire a nanny. It's better to go home and take care of the children by yourself, so you can rest assured
The two sides argued fiercely, and neither agreed with the other's ideas.
What role did Mr. Zhou, the husband, play in this matter?
He felt like a 'rat in a bellows', suffering from both ends. Isn't it just to hire a nanny or not? I'm already tired from working late at work all day, and when I get home, I have to listen to two people complaining and asking me to do justice. I'm at a loss, so I have to try my best not to be present
And the arguments between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law always involve him:
My wife has mentioned his low salary more than once during arguments.
My mother-in-law always says he's a big man, always led by his wife's nose.
This makes him very embarrassed.
What made him feel even more painful was that his marriage also faced a crisis.
Because the matter has been unresolved for a long time, the wife feels that her husband no longer loves her or the children, and is clamoring to divorce him.
The mother was also bored with her daughter-in-law and repeatedly asked to return to her hometown.
Mr. Zhou still couldn't understand why a good home was about to break up.
In this story, it seems that the husband is full of grievances and has no one to confide in, but let's turn the tables and ask a question:
What did the husband do in this mother-in-law conflict?
Did you cut through the chaos with a quick knife? Did both sides find a satisfactory solution?
None of them.
He chose 'evasion' and 'inaction'.
How to take care of children should be a matter of discussion between husband and wife.
It has little to do with elders.
But he chose to shift the responsibility onto his wife and mother, only concerned about his own face as a man.
Let these two people, who were already not very peaceful with each other, continue to argue.
To increase the psychological burden of parenting on wives and mothers.
No one is taking care of the child, it seems to be the fault of the wife and mother, and has nothing to do with him.
He is only waiting for one result.
Such inaction resulted in the wife and mother being unable to reconcile.
This is a disappointment in the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, as well as a disappointment in this husband and son.
Famous psychologist Wu Zhihong once said:
The root of the conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is the inaction of men
The vast majority of conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are triggered by household chores and the views of both parties towards each other.
It is also a struggle for family rights.
But the core is the husband.
He connected his mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, who are not related by blood, together.
A husband who can take on his own responsibilities without shifting the blame or evading them can easily solve many problems.
Once, I saw a man's question online:
I have already tried my best to mediate the conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, why can't my wife let go of her worries
He is well aware that there will inevitably be ups and downs in the interactions of a family.
Especially in the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
So he always acts as a "mediator" in the arguments between his wife and in laws, trying to mediate the conflicts.
But even if he does it well, his wife is still not satisfied.
Even to the point of running away from home and returning to her parents' home for a little 'family matter'.
That was in November last year, just a few days after the birth of my youngest daughter.
My wife has a bad appetite and only took a few sips of the chicken soup stewed by my mother-in-law before putting down the spoon.
As a result, she was scolded by her mother-in-law for 'disrespecting the elderly'.
He also felt in his heart that it was his wife's fault, so he went back to his room and said a few words:
What kind of attitude do you have when an elderly person works hard cooking for you
I didn't expect this sentence to anger my wife immediately. She cried a lot, slammed the door and left, and it took two or three hours to get home.
As soon as she saw her daughter-in-law's attitude, her mother-in-law became unhappy and shouted to go back the next day.
The husband saw the situation and asked his wife again, 'My mother is leaving, should I stay?'.
His original intention was to give both sides a way out, but he once again threw the conflict onto his wife, wanting her to bow down and apologize first.
The wife, who was still angry, responded angrily, 'You don't need to leave, I'll leave.'.
The husband's temper also came up, and he intended to punish his wife for not respecting his parents, so he didn't pursue her.
The two of them had a cold war from November until after the Spring Festival.
I really think she's not sensible. She started making noise just a few days after the child was born and even ran away from home
Later, due to their child, the two reconciled.
But the husband found that his wife still inevitably had arguments with his parents.
Once, twice, countless times, he mediated conflicts, but the marriage still came to the most embarrassing situation.
His wife asked him to choose between two options:
Marriage and parents can only choose one.
He was completely helpless, his only requirement for his wife was one thing:
Respect his parents.
Why can't his wife satisfy him?
After reading this story, I believe everyone has noticed a problem.
This husband never noticed his behavior in the mother-in-law relationship:
Pull off the frame.
He seems to be resolving conflicts, but he always subconsciously stands in his parents' shoes and denies his wife's behavior.
Require wives to be filial to their parents and bow down.
This invisibly encourages parents to suppress their daughters in law's elders.
It also led to a gradual decrease in the wife's voice in the family.
Because no matter what she says or how well she does, her husband's first trusted person will always be his parents.
Over time, wives may inevitably develop the idea that they are outsiders in this household.
Since we have become 'outsiders', how can we talk about' respecting family '?
In traditional beliefs, the relationship between a wife and mother-in-law is actually unequal.
Whether it is a daughter-in-law or a close daughter, the emphasis is on filial piety and obedience from children.
But with the changes in modern family structure, the power dynamics between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law have evolved to a new concept:
My wife and mother-in-law are the female masters of their respective families.
It's not absolute obedience from younger generations to elders, but mutual respect between two families.
Husband is the key link.
After all, one mountain cannot accommodate two tigers, and a home cannot have two female masters.
To have a harmonious family, a husband must have a clear understanding of the boundaries between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
Not outsourcing filial piety, but imposing the responsibility of raising and obeying oneself as a son on the wife.
Kidnapping the wife to fulfill the obligation of taking care of the elderly in place of oneself.
Instead, it emphasizes the boundary between parents and wives and intervenes in advance.
Let the wife return to her identity as a wife, and the parents return to their duties as parents.
Only when everyone performs their duties can the house be peaceful.
Looking back at the previous story, I believe everyone has discovered one thing:
Regardless of which husband, they seriously neglect their wife's emotional needs in handling the mother-in-law daughter-in-law relationship.
They may care more about themselves, or perhaps they care more about their parents.
But in every choice, the neglected party is the wife, and the sacrifice is also the wife's interests.
This is also why conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law eventually evolve into marital conflicts.
Because the wife's anger is not directed towards her mother-in-law or mother-in-law's family, but towards her husband.
Did the husband provide sufficient emotional support in this matter;
Is the husband defending his parents or speaking up for his wife in front of his parents in law;
Will the husband take the initiative to solve the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law problems.
These behaviors and actions determined by the husband all affect the wife's perception of her husband.
So, the essence of the mother-in-law daughter-in-law issue is a marital problem.
The mother-in-law daughter-in-law relationship has always been a mirror of the marital relationship.
Whether the husband's family is good or not is not important, the most important thing is whether the husband is worth the wife's continued efforts for this marriage.
However, before this, most couples would only emphasize giving.
If a husband takes on the family's financial responsibilities, he hopes that his wife will take on the responsibility of taking care of the elderly
My wife is busy both inside and outside, and she also hopes to gain recognition from the family.
When both spouses only emphasize their own efforts, it is also difficult to see the sacrifices made by each other for the family.
When each other feels that the other's efforts are not equal, it naturally becomes a "moral blackmail" using one's own efforts.
But doing so is of no use.
Both husband and wife should have a clear boundary between small and large families when it comes to external affairs.
Internally, there should also be a ruler to distinguish the responsibilities of husband and wife.
Explore a mutually recognized and effective approach to the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
1、 Clarify their respective roles and responsibilities
Facing elders, both wives and husbands have their own responsibilities, with biological children bearing the greatest responsibility for nurturing them.
At the same time, it is necessary to clarify family boundaries and maintain appropriate distance.
Respect comes first in the face of filial piety.
I once saw a husband stop his wife from doing housework.
That was the first time my wife went to her in laws' house after marriage, and her mother-in-law asked her to be responsible for three meals a day for the elderly and young at home in the future.
Before his wife could respond, the husband personally stepped forward and said, 'He will cook this meal.'.
Being filial to his parents is his responsibility as a son.
2、 Use kind words to do a good job of "lubricating oil" function
How well the mother-in-law daughter-in-law relationship is handled depends entirely on whether the husband intervenes in advance or not.
Emphasize the efforts of both mother-in-law and daughter-in-law in daily life, and guide both parties to see each other's strengths more.
More good words, less bad words.
3、 Block negative information and act as a 'middleman'
When the family is embroiled in internal conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, the husband holds a relatively 'neutral' position.
Only by not being biased towards helping, favoring, or trusting can one play an authoritative role in the mother-in-law daughter-in-law relationship.
If the heart is crooked, the reason will be skewed.
Only when a husband's words are persuasive can they greatly positively influence the direction of the mother-in-law daughter-in-law relationship.
In psychology, the best family model is:
There is an equilateral triangle between parents and children.
Husband, wife, and children are the basic units of the family structure.
This means that there are equally good relationships between spouses and between parents and children.
Stable marital relationship and harmonious parent-child relationship.
Mutual influence and support.
The same goes for the mother-in-law daughter-in-law relationship, where the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law, and husband influence and support each other.
It's not a competition for the power of family discourse, but about giving equality, respect, and love to each other.
And this love will flow in both directions within a stable triangular relationship.
Click on 'Watching', may every family be able to argue without any obstacles and have long-lasting relationships.
Have you experienced conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law? How will the husband handle it? Will it affect the relationship between husband and wife? How did they deal with it again?
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